should i leave my gambling addcited husband?
I have discovered that my husband has had a gambling addiction the entire time i have known him. I was a single mother of a two year old and had been in a relationship with a person who suffered narsasistic personality disorder.. i suffered physical and mental abuse in that relationship for three years. I met my husband when my mum was passing away of cancer and he was the loving, caring, smart, handsome man i had never thought i would meet. After a little lying and cheating early on, that he explained was hesitation in getting together with a single mother, we got serious in our relationship. We moved in together and after six years we married. Through this time there were some small lies, lies over trivial things. When we married i made it clear to him i could not take any lies in the marriage. While we were engaged we were renting, he lost his second job over lying about money and started up his own business and said it would take time to make a goos living so we moved in with my dad to save money for a house.
For the following years he never seemed to make enough money. He is in the medical profession and has the potential to earn good money but we always seemed to struggle with the simplest of things and if i didnt work we never would have made it.
When we married money went missing from our wishing well and he had me convinced someone must have stolen from it. He would borrow money out of my account to buy things for his business, but as he always put it back i never really took much notice.
When i was told i had cancer i really started to wake up and smell the roses. I worried about what would happen if i had to stop work, we payed no rent but i knew we would struggle.
Lucky for me i had good news with the cancer, we were all relieved that i had a rare type of tumor that had low malignancy potential, so as long as i stay stress free threre is no reason it should progress to being aggressive as there is very low risk. We were all relieved… however something was still nagging at me. I started looking more closely at my husband.. he was looking unhealthy, he was always stressed out, skin problems, couldnt keep weight on, lack of motivation with work and general tardiness. i kept thinking about how he never seemed to have money, how he had lied to me about things over time. I spoke to my sisiter and she said the words “i think he has a gambling problem”. I honestly didnt want to believe it but i thought she was right.
I demanded the codes to his bank accounts and relaised there were loans and credit cards and large ammounts of money being withdrawn from his account on certain days. After being confronted he admitted to having a really bad money problem. He said he was hopeless at controlling money and would spend money on stupid things, like nights out with the boys and the like. Something wasnt sitting well with me and i told him we can work through this if confesses everything to me. I told him due to my health i couldnt take another revelation and he swore black and blue there was nothing else. He acted so relieved in telling me, started putting on weight and looking less stressed.
Then he rang me one day with this story of how he went to a farewell for someone at the hospital and put $6 in a pokie machine and one a massive tv.
I knew something wasnt right. I sat him down and demanded he told me if he had a gambling problem and he finally admitted he did. I was floored. He started off making nothing of it and then admitted it is a massive problem. Started as not much of a problem and now he sometimes goes from pokie venue to pokie venue wuthdrawing the maximum amount of money you can.
I have researched this addiction, and i understand it is not about the ‘win’ it is about chasing the feeling they get from playing. Seeing how long they can keep that feeling. He is a complete closet gambler and noone knew, not even his best friends. He would go alone.
he is getting professional help, but i had to ask him to leave. He is such a beautiful person, it breaks my heart he has this problem, but now everything is making sense.
I just dont know if i can be in a marriage with someone with a problem due to my previuos relationship and worries about my health. I feel i am being selfish if i dont let him try and get better and give him another chance, but i just dont think i have it in me to be seconf guessing everthing for the rest of my life. Whay should i do?
The ONE plus is the fact he IS getting professional help for his problem. I too well know how addictions can take over one’s life as I am a 20+ yr. Sober alcoholic. In the beginning I even went to 8 mtgs. A wk.! I DID want to get sober but also to STAY sober. I also went to Alanon as my ex husband also is an alcoholic. I’ve often said AA saved my life, Alanon saved my sanity. His professional help should advise him to go to Gamblers Anonymous (G.A.) This he MUST do in order to keep from being tempted. In AA I did know people who also went to GA & I KNOW it works! I would see if I could find out if there’s a support group for the family of gamblers as there is with AA. I don’t doubt there is. I’d call the person who he’s seeing for his help & ask him/her about GA & also a support group for you to go to too. I KNOW if there is, it would be of a great help to you as Alanon was for me. I’d call this person & get as much info as I could if I were you. Support groups DO WORK, how much that I DO know. Do it & see what you can find out. IF there IS a support goup, GO & see what they have to say. There IS the place to ask ALL the questions your heart desires & they WILL HELP you!…I DO wish you the best…:)
Is our current economy in direct competition with conservative thought?
our current economy is almost completely built on SPEND, SPEND, SPEND… overspending actually…
credit cards, mortgages, personal loans… more and more…
if people actually spent within their means… the stock market would be at about 8,000 now and credit card companies would be small opperations… banks would have a hard time staying in business…
Look no farther than 9-11… consumer debt at an all-time high and Bush tells everyone to “go spend money”… and it’s only gotten worse since then…
I always find it odd when “Conservatives” talk about how great our economy is… I would think they would be scared to death to look at the consumer and national debt levels and seriously worry about the stability of it all…
people aren’t living within their means… and when the bills come due, the companies that are owed will go out of business… that’s not good…
am I being over dramatic or do you agree?
ah… the conservatives last defense of “you’re a stupid liberal so I’m going to run away and not talk”…
Let me guess, you have have never studied Conservative economic theory.
I must be psychic!
Let me guess again, all you know of Conservatives is what Liberals teach you.
Wow! I should get my own TV show!
How do I deal with angry perfectionist boss with unrealistic expectations?
I just got chewed a new one today, because one of my employees filled out his leave slip incorrectly and I submitted it. I am a first line boss who is new to the job (less than one month) and while I do understand that things should be done right, I don’t think it was normal for her to chew me out because of a mistake as small and fixable as that. She went on and on about how much they are paying me, and how I need to read everything before I send it out (I did read the leave slip, but because I was new I didnt know it was wrong). She goes crazy and has ZERO tolerance for minute, unimportant mistakes that someone new to the job is bound to make Her thing if I make a mistake is to afterwards dramatize it and make it waaay bigger than it is and get upset and ask “WHY didn’t you just ASK me?!?” I didn’t ask her about the leave slip because I didn’t know there was anything to ask. To make matters worse, I have even another supervisor and she is a maniacal, zero tolerance for imperfection, tyrannical B*itch as well, so I have two old dogs barking down my neck all the time. Oh yay!
I guess I need to grow a thicker skin, b/c even thugh I know she can be dramatic and irrational about things, I end up taking it personally, like today and think on it for hours and hours and feel bad about it.
The fact is, I am getting paid the best salary I have ever had, and I can’t just quit cause I want to pay my credit card and student loan debts so that my husband and I can afford to start a family and I will be able to stay home in a couple of years. Plus I am convinced that if I do go somewhere else, there may be some other nasty boss or something unpleasant waiting for me there. I want to be my own boss but part of the money I am paying back is for a loan for a past failed business so I don’t have the extra income to pursue it at this time. I have always on very job has a nasty boss and I haven’t grown a thick skin yet, it still hurts my feelings when they yell or get angry with me.
How do I deal with this , not go crazy or develop an ulcer and blow off steam until my bills are paid up and I can get out of there?
I definitely take total responsibility for my mistakes and I DO promise to not make the same mistake again. I can see getting angry if I mad the same mistake over and over, but it was my first time and I learned by trial and error. I will be sure to ask her PLENTY of questions in the future about EVERYTHING. No one wants to ask her questions because she gets impatient and nasty when you DO ask as well.
You answered part of your question, by saying that it is not personal. They are probably like that with everyone.
Kill them with kindness. Ask plenty of questions. Double check your work and the work of others under you.
I personally would not do well in that situation because I would tell her which bridge she could jump off of.
Good luck with it. Does not sound like the place for you.
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